Coming out has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it hasn’t been just one experience. I think it would be best to start from the beginning.
I discovered that I was gay in 7th grade, well more of that I like boys. It was so scary. I knew what people said about gay people. People would say things like they would go to hell, they were sick, and that nothing could be worse than being gay. I wanted so badly to feel like everyone else but I couldn’t. So I tried to ignore what I thought was the problem.
Ignoring something like this is not easy. Some days I felt so sad that I couldn’t help but just break down and start crying at the end of the day. Other days I would be so mad and wonder what was wrong with me or why God did this to me. But I could never show these emotions around other people because they would ask what was wrong and I couldn’t answer out of fear of being judged.
Soon freshman year of high school came around and the feelings for other guys hadn’t changed. It was killing me to keep this secret, mainly because I felt like I couldn’t be true to even myself. I knew that something had to change so I started thinking to myself maybe I’m bisexual. I would settle for anything besides being gay, because there was still a lot of bullying going on about being gay. But still at the back of my mind I was hoping that I could change and I would pray to God that I would change.
I started going to a youth group a little over half way through my freshman year, which was a big change for me. I found that I really liked it because the people there were so nice and open about their life. Though I liked that I still hated it because I wasn’t able to do the same. So one night I came there feeling very depressed about my feelings for men that I finally told them that I was bi. To my surprise only a few members of the youth group cared, the rest just blew it off like it was nothing. This was the first big step, I feel, in accepting myself.
A little later in the year I started trying to tell my closer friends because I felt like they should know. This was a very scary step because I was still in a very bad spot of trying to figure out who I was. I told a friend of mine and he freaked out, he hasn’t talked to me since. That hurt, a lot. As a result I decided to wait and pushed myself back in the closet hoping no one would find out. I still wasn’t ready to accept myself.
The next school year I started to reconnect with some people that I fell apart from during middle school, but I still wasn’t ready to open up yet. I went down some wrong roads. I hated myself because of my feelings toward guys. I started just wanting to be alone and it didn’t help that my youth group fell apart.
Then I got lucky. A teacher pulled me out of my slump and told me how much I had to offer the world, then gave me a detention for making some not so nice comments in class. If someone like that could see something good in me then why couldn’t I? I knew it was time to start trying to open up to friends again. And these friends accepted me, they were true friends.
Junior year I felt like I was on top of the world. I wasn’t 100 percent happy yet but things were getting much better. I started being sociable and through that I met one of my best friends. She was going through the same thing as me. We texted and hung out all the time. It was great to know I wasn’t alone. I didn’t feel like such a freak. I started being more open about my sexuality but I still didn’t want to be called gay.
As more time passed junior year I knew I had no feelings for girls. By that time all my close friends knew and supported me. I knew that I was safe with them and that I could be gay, bi, or anything. I told all my close friends that I had no feelings for girls and that I was gay, yet again they didn’t care. It was about that point that I really started being happy.
The summer after junior year is when I became really open about my sexuality, if someone asked if I was gay I would say yes. I was proud. Sure there were some days that I wanted to cry but the joy out weighed the sorrow easily. I knew that I had to start dropping hints at home. I tried using terms like special someone instead of girlfriend or boyfriend. Just small hints that I hoped that my parents would use instead of boyfriend or girlfriend and they did sometimes. Also I would talk about gay issues that were in the news to my mom hopping she was open minded. She would usually seem supportive of gay issues. It really started to feel like I could come out at home, but I was still too scared.
I was scared to come out at home because of the what-ifs. What if they kick me out? What if they tell me how wrong it is? What if they reject me from their lives? What if they never could trust me? I couldn’t handle my parents doing any of those to me so I stuck with dropping hints and not coming out.
Coming into senior year I felt like a king. I was so happy, but about that time it was news all over the school that I was gay. People would come up to me and call me a fag or tell me how it’s a sin to be gay. I could usually brush it off, but some days it was hard. Some days those people got to me and I felt worthless. I felt like I would always be alone. But my friends never let me feel that way long, they had my back.
After a while my friends told me that if I came out at home and it went bad I could live with them, their parents told me too. I was so shocked! I felt ready I felt confident. When I came out to my mom she was very accepting but I was still shaking and very nervous. When she told me it was okay it lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders, I knew I was free to be who I wanted. When it was done I cried because I knew that I was truly happy at that point and called all my friends. I really was king of the world.
I went through the rest of senior year through the rough patches and graduated. And everything felt better. The people that were jerks to me in high school and called me a fag were no longer around me. I was free to be who I am. It’s truly the best feeling in the world.
Now I am in college and have met many people that have gone through what I went through. They felt alone, scared, angry, and confused just like me. I am now at probably one of the greatest places in my life and I love it. Sure those feelings come back sometimes but I know they are just for a minute. Also I have found many Christian friends that have no problem with me and don’t think that I’m going to hell for being gay.
It’s like Lady Gaga said, “Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you’re set.” My life got so much better once I loved myself. If I would have just listened to what other people said I would probably hate myself. But I don’t. I beat the bullies because I am proud to be where I am. Sure it was tough but I made it. And so can anyone else. So keep your head up cause you were born this way. And people love you for just that.
-KB-
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